Friendzoning Out

If you’ve read any of my blog posts before, you’ll know that I generally like to start them with a rambling diatribe of an irrelevant prelude which your eyeballs have to endure before I even get to the point of what the post is about, as if I was desperately trying to peacock my way into a position as a Vice writer (hint: I AM. I love you Vice. Take me. PLEASE. I’d even be willing to move to East London and pretend to hate everything). This time, however, it’s different! I am going to get straight to the point, Or at least, I would have got straight to the point if I didn’t just waste a ton of valuable pixels on writing a self-indulgent explanation of how I wasn’t going to begin this post by writing a self-indulgent explanation of something entirely unrelated to the main subject matter of this post. Shit.

Anyway, so, the concept of ‘The Friend Zone’ is bullshit.

In case you’ve been living in North Korea and haven’t heard of ‘The Friend Zone’, allow me to explain. (If you’re reading this in North Korea, that means my blog, of all things, has somehow managed to belly-crawl past whatever crazy firewalls and Kim-Jong-Sanctioned  freedom-blockers are in place there, which in turn means that the footsteps I just heard outside my flat were probably someone coming to lock me away. Shit).

‘The Friend Zone’ is a common description of the following situation:

Boy meets girl. Boy wants to fuck girl. Boy befriends girl in the hope that this will lead to him getting a chance to fuck her. Girl considers this particular boy to be a friend rather than a potentially sex partner, and tells him so. Or sometimes doesn’t tell him so, but acts in a ‘friendly’ manner around him, rather than a ‘frenzied-nympho-sex-kitten’ way that only exists in porn and Cosmo. Boy complains to fellow Boy Friends about how awful it is that he went to the time and effort of befriending a female only to find out that she didn’t want his dink in her donk. Boy Friends proceed to jeer, laugh, mock, and ultimately, empathise.

This may come as a shock to some people, but it is possible for members of the opposite sex to become friends with one another without sex as a motivating factor. (Notice I say SOME people; thankfully I know a whole lot of people who pay no attention to the whole concept of ‘The Friend Zone’, but I also know there are a whole lot of people who do. Which makes me ‘:(‘. It’s up to you to decide whether my inclusion of an emoticon to describe my feelings towards something was ‘ironic’, relevant, douchey, or otherwise). More specifically, it is possible for a male to decide to befriend a female for reasons other than wanting to put the hot dog in the lady bun (which is another phrase I have ripped directly from the Vice vaults. This blog post reeeeally is kinda ‘beggin’ it’). Because almost inevitably, when the cry of “Mate, you’ve been friendzoned!” rings out, it is in relation to a male’s unsuccessful attempts at transcending the barriers of friendship to get his freak on with a female – rarely, if ever, is it the other way round, in terms of gender. On that note, I feel like I can only really discuss the concept of ‘The Friend Zone’ in relation to hetereosexual relationships, as I have never seen it referenced in relation to relationships outside of this, which is probably because heterosexuality is still generally the dominant paradigm for discussions about sex and relationships, which is another thing that makes me ‘colon open-bracket’.

Anyway, there’s something which really bugs me about the fact that it’s become a normalised and accepted idea that the only possible reason  a male would want to befriend a female is so he can sleep with her. And that in denying him this, the female is somehow ‘the bad guy’, as if she should automatically accept and expect that this is his one and only motivation, and that by entering into a conversation with him, she unknowingly signed some unwritten agreement she was, in fact, interested in sleeping with him, only to later reveal herself to be Such A Bitch by going against this agreement. It just really gets on my metaphorical tits.

For a start, the categories of “friend” and “someone I’m sleeping with” are not mutually exclusive. I have a fair amount of male friends that I have engaged in various degrees of Sex Things with – some that led to relationships, some that were one-offs (or two-offs?), etc etc etc. I guess you could call that the “fuckbuddy zone”, but then that also assumes that by having sex with a friend, the friendship somehow no longer qualifies as ‘just a friendship’, it has to be labelled something different, the boundaries of ‘friendship’ have been irreparably broken, for better or worse. To this I say – “bullshit”. For the most part, I still consider the above mentioned people to be ‘friends’, and as far as I know, this is mutual. (I am potentially opening myself up to some awkward conversations here. Shit).

Another thing is, the idea of ‘The Friend Zone’ must cause a whole lot of hassle for the genuine guys who are befriending women for normal reasons. You know, like, because they actually want to be friends with them. I imagine it must be quite hard for some of them to do this while second guessing that the women they’re trying to befriend are second guessing that they are only trying to be friends with them because they want to sleep with them. Urgh.

To me, ‘The Friend Zone’ conjures up an image of some nightmarish parallel universe to The Twilight Zone, exclusively inhabited by people who think that quoting that bit in The Inbetweeners where they all squeal “Friiieeeennnnddd” is still funny, and where all the men wear t-shirts with pictures of Rhianna’s face on them and the girls wear crop tops that say ‘DORK’ and ‘NERD despite the fact that they probably can’t even name all of the 151 original Pokemon and don’t know who Joss Whedon is. In short, I clearly over-think things too much and now I think I need an asprin and a lie down.

Once again I haven’t really said anything revelationary in this post, or anything that anyone with half a brain can see for themselves; nor was I intending too, I just like having a rant. If you don’t know this by now, how are we still even friends?! (Assuming that you’re not one of the 1% of people who end up stumbling on to my blog through pathways other than my Facebook profile or Twitter feed. If you are, then, “Hello, potential new friend!”. Did I say ‘friend’? OH SHIT YOU JUST GOT FRIENDZONEDDDDD. Hash tag burn).

Epilogue: Humans as a species piss me off in many, many irrelevant, insignificant, and often just plain petty ways.

Epilogue II: Here is a picture of Jess and Nick from New Girl. If you haven’t watched up to up to the most recent few episodes of New Girl yet then SPOILER ALERT. LOOK AWAY NOW!


Jess and Nick are friends who want to have sex with each other, which makes this picture kind of relevant to the post but I’m mostly just posting this because Nick is my new Object of Desire and I just really like looking at pictures of him.


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