WebSex 2.0; One Girl’s Quest For SexyFunTimes

One night stands. Whether you think they’re a fun and relatively pain-free way to get some quick-fix lovin’ or a signifier that Doomsday is upon us and no one has any morals anymore – or maybe you just straight-up don’t really give a damn about them…they’re happening everywhere all the time.

Pictured: One Night Stand.

I guess mostly people think of one night stands as happening at clubs, pubs, house parties, or other similar social situations that are lubricated by alcohol. However, it seems that the Internet One Night Stand is on the rise.

Now, I haven’t actually conducted any research, but something tells me that many – if not most – people would traditionally think that soliciting places such as Craigslist for one night stands is primarily the reserve of desperate, old, creepy guys posing as not-desperate, young, not-creepy guys.

I thought some people might find it interesting to hear about the experience from a different (and possibly unexpected) source. Early last year, my three-and-a-half year relationship came to an end. As well as all the emotional stuff, this also left me at a bit of a loose end physically. Mama needed to do the hump, so to speak. The thought of meeting guys on a night out confused and scared me, so as part of my, ahem, ‘quest’, I decided to scour the web for some ‘no-strings attached’ sexy fun-times.

So, I posted an advert on Craigslist. Fuck knows what it said – I genuinely can’t remember. But probably something along the lines of; ‘Bored, single, and horny student, 21, looking for  a fairly attractive bloke to get my freak on with’. Or something. Due to deep-rooted “no wimminz on the internet” beliefs held amongst many web-surfing males, I expected most people to assume that my post was actually spawned by some basement-dwelling neckbeard posing as a femanon and, as such, ignore it.

To my surprise, though, I got a fair few replies. Combined with responding to a few males’ adverts myself (including pictures when required – not explicit ones – mostly ones I’d swiped from my Facebook Profile Pictures album to be honest), this left me with something of a ‘bench’ to choose from.

(On an side note: as messages started passing back and forth between myself and some of the guys, I too asked for pictures – shallow, perhaps, but then I was trying to find someone for a ‘fuck-then-fuck-off’ thing here, I wasn’t exactly going for a Gandhi vibe. I was hoping for pictures of their face or profile shots or something, because you know, that’s generally what you’re going to be looking at during sex (don’t judge me on my automatic assumption of traditional face-to-face sex positions, Internet) – but, perhaps unsurprisingly, I mostly just got sent pictures of penises. Which means at some point last year I genuinely had an inbox full of penis pictures which I had (kinda) actively sought. Which is weird).

“Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head”

Anyway, one of the people on this ‘bench’ turned out to be an ex-boyfriend of one of my friends (I’d never met him, but I recognised him from my excessive Facebook Stalking – because he sent a face picture, not because he had pictures of his penis on Facebook). So that weirded me out a little, and I told him I knew his ex, which weirded him out too, and we immediately ceased conversation.

Another guy was apparently an academic at my University, who – understandably I suppose – was rather reluctant to send pictures (in case I was some kind of sting operation lurking on Craigslist with the sole intention of ruining his academic reputation or something? I don’t know). Anyway, returning to the point about being shallow that I mentioned above, I was in the frame of mind that ‘Blind Dates’ could fuck right off. So – bye bye Mr Academic Man.

Of the remaining bench members, there were three that I considered ‘going for’.

Man 1 had posted an advert saying that he was going to be staying in a hotel in Birmingham for a conference, and wanted one night of random fun with a stranger. Fair enough. He included a picture with his advert, and, thinking him fairly tasty, I responded and offered to show him the sights and sounds of Birmingham* during his visit. (*By ‘Birmingham’ in this sentence, I mean my vajarjar, of course). However I got a rather timid-sounding response the following morning, saying that he had posted the advert in a drunken stupor and didn’t really expect anyone to reply, and that he was sorry to disappoint me but he had a girlfriend and had decided he actually didn’t want to cheat on her. Which, y’know, good for him! Although I think perhaps he just might not have liked my pictures.

Of the remaining two, one was rather good looking…the other was not bad-looking, but didn’t really have me leaving a wet patch on the computer chair. He was, however, a writer, so the thought of some potential post-coital literary chat more than bridged the physical attraction gap.

(I added both on Facebook and as some of you may know I rarely, if ever, delete anyone from Facebook…and so they are potentially reading this. Hello).

Anyway, to cut a long story short, it was around this time that I found myself with falling for the man I am currently in an amazing and happy relationship with, so in the end – despite, in one of the cases, having progressed relatively far into the ‘organising a meet up’ stages – my quest for Craisglist Bonkfest was not to be. I don’t regret that. However, I also don’t regret the fact that I – had things not have changed in my personal circumstances – would have gone through with it.

Honestly, I think there is too much of a taboo around using the internet to find a hook-up. Especially when women do it. Currently, it really does have a sleazy, sordid, and fairly creepy image, which I think is rather misleading. Obviously, there are safety issues, and one needs to be careful – make sure someone knows where you’re going, arrange to meet up in a public place so that you can be sure that the person is really who they say they are, and even take a friend along with you (with the idea that they’ll head off once they’re confident you are safe…unless you’ve arranged for a threesome, I guess). But really, I think in many ways, internet one night stands are actually preferable to achieving the same ends via the more popular and traditional means: the night out. Here’s a few reasons why (Gosh, I love lists):

  • There’s less chance your decision will be affected by alcohol. Ok, so maybe, like me, your computer desk has a permanent wine glass mark next to the keyboard – but even so, you’re less likely to be at the ‘I’ve-been-pre-drinking-since-1pm-and-I-just-did-50-jagerbombs’ level at home on your ‘puter than you are in a club.
  • It doesn’t have to be late at night, heck you can even choose to make it a breakfast rendevouz or something and then skip along on your merry way straight afterwards. This is good for two reasons. Firstly, it means you can avoid the awkward ‘morning-after moments’ where you’re hungover, sound like Barry White with a chest infection and look like Ke$ha just did your hair and make up (i.e. horrendous and slightly sticky). It also means, should you change your mind, you’re more likely to be able to catch the bus (or train or drive or whatever) the hell out of there rather than in a taxi destined for Sweaty McGee’s house in the middle of nowhere at MissedTheLastBusO’Clock.
  • You’re less likely to vomit/pass out mid-coitus. (This is really an extension of the first  point).
  • You can do a bit of pre-screening and ‘getting-to-know-you’ chat, if you want. That kind of goes against the point of one night stands, I guess, but it’s nice to have the option there. You know, In case you have very rigid sexual standards, like refusing to sleep with anyone who can’t name the original 150 Pokémon in order, or something. Good luck trying to find THAT out when your only chance of communication is shouting over obnoxiously loud dubstep.
  • Its free. If you use sites like Craigslist, anyway. Of course, there are sites which offer similar kinds of things for a fee; but, as with most things that concern both sex and the internet, I see very little point in paying for it when you can easily get it for free. So, yeah. Clubbing is expensive. Free things are free!

So, yes, as long as you do it safely and sensibly, I think that there should definitely be less of a ‘shock-and-horror’ reaction to people admitting things like this. Especially, as I said earlier, females. I’m not about to whip out a placard demanding ‘Sexual Liberation For Women NOW’ – we haven’t reached sexual gender equality JUST yet, but we are still, in this day and age, fairly sexually liberated. However there is still something of an issue with peoples’ opinions of women who choose to go out and actively seek sexual satisfaction – especially outside of a relationship – people do tend to react to it more negatively than they do to men doing the same thing. And well, there’s really no reason for that. So stop it.

I’m really bad at signing off blog posts. Hopefully you’ve found this interesting. And possibly a bit arousing, if only because of the picture of Zazu.

Gabbycat out – x.